


The Oldest Burden

by anonymous56789



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Bloodlust, Character Study, Gen, Sadistic Mindset
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-16 19:19:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5837809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymous56789/pseuds/anonymous56789
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Illumi would always be the eldest brother. It was something he would never be rid of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Oldest Burden

**Author's Note:**

> So this kind of came out of nowhere. I've been sitting on it for a while and after reading over it again I decided to post it and hope for the best. It's a quick character study of Illumi. As an antagonist he's just so interesting and I couldn't help myself from writing something small about him. Please let me know whether you like it or not, any and all feedback is appreciated.

He was the oldest. It wasn’t something that could be changed… at least in this life. No matter who died or lived he was a big brother. It was at the forefront of his mind in everything he did. Every throat he slit, every person he controlled, that one thought was always there. He was the big brother, to Milluki, Kil, and Kalluto. They were his little brothers and he was not allowed to kill them… no matter what. He would even go so far as to protect them, from themselves as much as any enemy. He didn’t understand Kil’s need for friends, his want for emotional bonds… Kil had his brothers… his family, why would he need more? This line of thought always brought nasty ideas with it. They said that the family wasn’t enough for Kil…. That he wasn’t enough for Kil… that Kil thought he would be better off without them … without him… Illumi sighed, a rare expression of emotion.  
  
Illumi looked up as one of the Butlers knocked and announced he was to go see his father. The dark haired assassin stood and passed by the servant without a single look in their direction. He silently made his way to his father’s chambers; ignoring Milluki’s attempts to gain his attention and talk about his newest creations. He passed his grandfather on the way to Silva’s room and didn’t acknowledge the distaste that faintly radiated from the man. Zeno was the best in the family when emotional control was concerned. The only reason Illumi felt his disapproval was because his grandfather wanted him to. It was annoying to think his grandfather still felt the need to express that emotion. It was something the old man had always done, never letting him forget it. He didn’t understand what he had done to gain his disfavor but he had learned long ago that it wasn’t something that could be changed. Just as he was the oldest brother he was also the greatest disappointment. He was almost sure that Alluka beat him out even on a good day, simply because of her large amount of power. It didn’t help that Kil accepted her. He entered his father’s room, still thinking about his younger siblings. “Father.” He said respectively. He knew the older man didn’t like it when he called him that but Silva had never stopped him. Illumi knew his father’s disapproval of him was somehow linked to what his grandfather felt but he could never pin point the exact reason.  
  
He was the first born and he had favored his mother in both looks and temperament. His father and mother had perfected the format that they used for training his younger siblings on him. They tried to make sure everything was perfect before they ever even thought of having Milluki. Despite their attempts though, perfection eluded them… at least until Kil had come along. The perfect assassin, his skill was unprecedented, even at his young age. With their success in mind his parents had two more children. In Mother’s mind Kalluto was almost as perfect as Kil but Alluka was a dangerous creature that was both better and worse than Illumi.  
  
Illumi was a failure. Death was what motivated him. Not the money that his father and grandfather fought for, or the honor that they had beat into him but the death that he craved like a prisoner craves freedom. None of the Zoldyck family were strangers to bloodlust. They all felt it to varying degrees. The most successful assassins used this craving to their advantage, harnessing their evil intentions to kill a target, never letting it control them. Out of all the siblings Illumi’s was the hardest to control. Whether the reason stemmed from his lack of motivation to restrain it or the sheer amount of it, his father had all but killed him while training him to control his cravings. It had taken years to perfect it but finally Illumi had learned how to curb his appetite.  
  
The oldest son watched his father as his thoughts still ran around his mind. “Illumi, you’ve been requested for another mission.” He waited for his father to continue. “Here are the details.” Silva held out an envelope and when Illumi grabbed it his father dismissed him. Just as he was almost past the threshold he paused. “Father,” Silva looked up expectantly, “Do you miss Kil?” He asked his eyes still focused on the exit. If his father decided to kill him for his insolence, looking back would do no good. “Yes.” His father said and Illumi left before the older man changed his mind.  
  
He was a big brother… he was the oldest brother…  
  
Illumi watched Kil and his “friend” Gon laugh while eating their lunch. He had finished his mission early and reported it to his father before going and finding his wayward younger brother. Illumi never acknowledged anything that could be called emotion. Notions of love and friendship had never been a part of his world. If they ever had he didn’t remember it. He had thought Kil had been brought up the same way but seeing him now, happy with people that weren’t family… It made Illumi wonder, was he? Illumi was part of Kil’s training, he knew almost everything that his younger brother had been put through. Yet the question, ‘how could the same training produce such different results?’ still haunted him. His brother cherished his friends and the older man couldn’t even consider the idea of them. Illumi kept his eye on his younger brother and Gon as they got up and started walking. Illumi didn’t have emotions, he knew that. But the fierce bloodlust that consumed him when anyone outside of family threatened Kil was a bit unsettling. The sea of killing intent that he kept well hidden behind an expressionless mask couldn’t be held back when Kil was in serious danger. Illumi knew it wasn’t natural that he did this. He never got this way when any other member of the family was threatened.  
  
Father and Grandfather were well above his abilities, there was no need for any concern with them. Mother was not weak but even if she were in danger Illumi couldn’t bring himself to be concerned for her wellbeing, wasn’t that what Milluki was for? Milluki annoyed him far too much for Illumi to ever even think of him outside of missions that they were working on. Kalluto was mother’s angel and it was hard to envision a person behind the puppet their Mother had made of him. Alluka was simply a weapon that for some reason Killua had grown attached to. And Kil, the heir to the Zoldyck family, the favorite of his father and grandfather. Illumi couldn’t shake the apprehension that sometimes gripped him when thinking about his younger brother. He knew Kil could take care of himself. If given the chance he could see that it would be a close fight between himself and Kil, the victor only winning by a hair. It almost annoyed him that he thought so… protectively of Kil. That in this aspect his bloodlust was still not fully under his control and yet he still didn’t attempt to change his reaction to threats on Kil’s life. His bloodlust would take over and he would let it.  
  
Kil was special, of that there was no doubt. He was the only one that called Illumi “big brother”. Milluki was too much of a brat to try, Kalluto barely spoke to anyone but mother and Alluka was almost not worth mentioning but Kil… His silver haired younger sibling, one day to be the strongest of them all, was the one that called him big brother; despite everything that he had done. Illumi was no fool, he knew any normal person would hate him but yet… his younger brother hadn’t even discarded him from the idea that he held as family. Because of this Illimi believed it was safe to assume that Kil was the only one who had something even resembling a heart. Silva came close sometimes, especially when he was with Kil but Illumi knew that the darkness that controlled him at birth was something that had always controlled his father. Maybe that was why his father disliked him and his grandfather held ill-favor toward him. Illumi embodied the characteristics of darkness that they both knew was ingrained in them and no one likes to be reminded of their shortcomings, their failures of character. However, despite the darkness that Illumi seemed to be made of he couldn’t shake the feeling of protectiveness that overcame him when he thought of Kil. In everything he did his younger brother almost always came to the front of his mind. And he always remembered that he was the oldest sibling… the big brother. It didn’t matter that darkness had consumed him long ago; at his core he knew he would always be the eldest… “nisama”.


End file.
